Dropping the Rope: A Vital Skill for Working with Students with Emotional Disabilities

Charles Mathison
Aug 8
3 min read

Updated: Aug 10

by Charles Mathison

When we are at our loudest, we are often at our least clear-minded. That’s true for adults — and it’s especially true for children and teens with emotional disabilities.

I’ve worked for years in classrooms and residential treatment facilities with students who carry heavy emotional burdens. I’ve seen what happens when anger takes the wheel: reason takes a back seat, and self-control is nowhere in sight.

I’ve also learned that in these moments, the most effective thing I can sometimes do… is nothing.

The Power of Dropping the Rope

Imagine a game of tug-of-war. Both sides are pulling with all their strength, neither willing to let go. The rope frays, hands blister, and the tension builds until someone falls.

When a student is highly dysregulated — yelling, swearing, pacing, slamming doors — the natural instinct is to pull harder. We try to reason with them. We insist they calm down. We correct their words or their actions in the heat of the moment. But when we pull harder, so do they.

“Dropping the rope” means intentionally stepping out of the tug-of-war. Not giving up. Not condoning the behavior. But choosing not to escalate the conflict when emotions are at their peak.

In my own work, I’ve seen how much more progress I make when I step back. If a student storms out, I don’t chase. If a student shouts insults, I don’t match their volume. I let the wave pass. I let the emotions drain. Then, when the storm has settled, that’s when I approach with calm curiosity: What happened? How did it get there? How can we make it better next time?

Why It Works

Neurologically, rage hijacks the brain. When the amygdala — the part of the brain responsible for the fight-flight-freeze response — is fully engaged, the prefrontal cortex (the reasoning center) is effectively offline. This isn’t just a metaphor; MRI studies show that in moments of intense anger, the brain literally redirects blood flow away from the areas that handle rational thought and decision-making.

For students with emotional disabilities, trauma histories, or chronic stress, that “hijack” can happen faster and last longer. Words of reason in those moments often can’t be processed — they can be heard, but not truly listened to.

By dropping the rope, we give the student’s nervous system a chance to reset. Only then can any real problem-solving happen.

What Dropping the Rope Is Not

It’s not ignoring the behavior forever. It’s not letting dangerous actions slide. It’s not abandoning the student in their distress. Dropping the rope is about timing — knowing when not to push, so you can engage effectively later.

A Simple Framework for Dropping the Rope

Recognize the Peak Notice the signs that the student’s emotional state has maxed out — rapid breathing, clenched fists, fixed glare, raised voice, or refusal to comply.
Pause Your Pull Avoid arguing, correcting, or forcing compliance in that moment. Speak minimally, and keep your tone calm and neutral.
Create Space Allow physical and emotional space. This might mean stepping back, lowering your voice, or giving the student a moment alone (if safe).
Hold Emotional Safety Stay present and observant without being intrusive. The student needs to know you are still there and still care.
Return When Ready When you see signs of de-escalation — slower breathing, softer tone, more eye contact — re-engage with a restorative conversation. This is the time for reflection, accountability, and skill-building.

Dropping the rope isn’t about walking away from a problem. It’s about understanding that in moments of crisis, the wisest move is to stop pulling, let the tension fade, and then re-engage with clarity and compassion. It’s a skill that protects relationships, preserves dignity, and ultimately builds the trust needed for real change. A professional development worksheet based on this article can be downloaded here

Bibliography:

Allen, J. (2020). Emotional de-escalation strategies. Edutopia. https://www.edutopia.org/article/emotional-deescalation-strategies/

Price, O., et al. (2023). De-escalation in mental health care settings: A systematic review. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/387216894_De-Escalation_in_Mental_Health_Care_Settings